Right before closing one day three men show up to the Pearly Gates for judgement. The case manager angel on duty was quite put out with the prospect of staying late so rather than looking through the life history of each of the men he decided to admit them based on how cool their death story was.
The first man began: I knew my wife was cheating on me. So one day I decided to go home in the middle of the day to catch her in the act. I burst through the door and I could tell she was nervous so I tore up the house looking for the dirt bag. “Where is he?! Where is he?!” I yelled as I looked under the bed, in the closet, behind the shower curtain and in every nook and cranny of our 4th level apartment in a 5 story building. I had just given up, and fuming, went to our balcony to cool off. That’s when I saw the little rat. Two little hands were holding on to dear life as the man hung from the edge of the balcony. I started stomping on his hands but he was more resilient than I had expected. His right hand would let go, but just before his left hand gave way it would snap back up to maintain his hold. This went on for several minutes until I got frustrated and ran into the house, grabbed a hammer from the tool box and wailed on his hands until they both released and I watched him fall. To my dismay he didn’t die. He landed in some bushes and I could tell that he was still breathing. In a bout of rage I ran back into the house, rolled the refrigerator to the balcony and sent it flying down on top of him. The exertion from the moving a refrigerator, the adrenalin from the hunt, and a life of poor diet decisions caused me to have a heart attack and die.
Then came the second man: I was at home minding my own business when I heard a commotion coming from the apartment directly below mine. It sounded like a guy was trashing his own place and yelling at his wife. I’m a naturally curious person so I went out onto my balcony to listen in. However, I accidentally slipped and fell over the railing! I live, or rather lived, in a fifth floor apartment so I was lucky to catch the balcony of my neighbor one flight down rather than plummeting to my death. Just when I was about to pull myself up the guy comes out and starts stomping on my hands! One hand would fall off, but I would manage to get it back up by the time the other hand fell off. After several minutes the guy leaves and it looks like I might just be lucky enough to make it out alive. But then he returns with a hammer and bashes both my hands until I relent and fall to what I assumed would be certain death. Again, luck shined on me. I fell into a bush and survived. However, just as I was gathering myself to hobble off for help a huge refrigerator comes flying down on top of me and that’s when I showed up here.
Then came the third man: Picture this, I’m butt naked inside a refrigerator….