There once was a prison filled with all sorts of hardened criminals and scumbags. These people were so violent and had such difficulty controlling their anger that they would regularly get into brawls unless they were otherwise amused or entertained.
One day a new warden was brought in, a stern ex-military man called Steve Smith. Warden Smith tried for months to crack down hard on these brawls and fights, but even the harshest of punishments was failing to constrain the rage of the prisoners.
Warden Smith spoke to his cousin, who was a trained psychologist, and he suggested that perhaps the men needed another outlet for their emotions, something more constructive. Taking this advice, Smith began to set up an arts program within the prison, but unfortunately this still met with little success – the prisoners learning to play instruments just turned them into weapons, and the prisoners who were meant to be putting on a play used it as an excuse to stage Macbeth and have a fight with eachother.
In an act of desperation the Warden decided to ask the prisoners what they wanted to do for entertainment. One prisoner came up with a great idea, a strongman contest! Something that would allow the prisoners to show off their strength in a non violent way! The Warden loved this idea and began making preparations immediately.
Now, the prisoner that proposed this plan had an ulterior motive. His name was Mike McDreea and he’d spent his youth working at the docks before falling in with the Mafia where he got paid to (sometimes very literally) shake people down for money. This lifestyle had eventually landed him in prison, but it had also made him very strong, so he reckoned he’d be in a good position to win the strongman contest.
The next morning the Warden announced the contest officially, with a twist! The winner would get a large sum of money to send home to their family… However because of this restriction only men who were married were able to compete.
This last rule absolutely scuppered Mike’s plans, he wasn’t married! He went to ask his fellow inmate, a wise Irishman named Paddy O’Connor, for advice.
He said “Paddy, what can I do? I really wanted to win that contest, but I’m not married and now I can’t even enter!”
Paddy thought for a while and said “Hmm.. well gay marriage is legal now, so why don’t you and I get married and then you can enter the contest!”
Mike’s replied “Don’t be weird mate, neither of us are gay!” – but Paddy promised that they didn’t ever have to consumate the marriage and they could get the marriage as soon as the contest was over, so Mike reluctantly agreed to the plan. They found another inmate who could perform marriage ceremonies, invited a few more people as witnessed and got legally gay married in the middle of the prison. The only slight hitch in the proceedings was deciding who would take the other person’s surname, but they decided to just split the difference and use the first half of Paddy’s surname and the second half of Mike’s.
The next morning the contest began! The Warden announced that it would take place over 3 rounds, with tasks getting gradually harder and harder as the rounds went on and prospective strongmen were eliminated.
The first round saw 30 competitors needing to lift a boulder over their heads and hold it there for a minute. Most of the competitors couldn’t even lift the boulder, and only 8 progressed to the next round, Mike being one of them!
In round 2 the remaining 8 strongmen had to bend a metal rod in half only using their bare hands. This proved almost impossible, and only THREE competitors remained. Once again, Mike made it through!
The third and final round saw a strongman classic. The remaining 3 men had to push a freight train, and the first to push the train 10 meters would be declared the winner.
The men struggled for hours, barely making any progress against the hefty weight of the train, but eventually Mike was able to muster up a burst of strength and start moving the train. He shoved and shoved and groaned against the weight, and his muscles felt like they were going to give up, but eventually he managed to push the train over the line and WIN!
The Warden ran over and raised Mike’s hand, the inmates erupted into cheers and applause, and it was clear to everyone that…
…Mike O’Condreea Is The Powerhouse Of The Cell