The New Priest

The new priest, at his first mass, was so afraid he could hardly speak. Before his next service, he asked the Monsignor how he could relax. “Next week”, said the Monsignor, “it may help if you add some gin to the water pitcher. After a few sips everything should go smoothly.”

That Sunday the young priest put his elder’s suggestion to the test and really talked up a storm. After the sermon, he asked the Monsignor if he liked it. The Monsignor replied, “There are 9 things you should learn before addressing the congregation again,

1. Next time, sip rather than gulp the gin.
2. There are ten commandments, not twelve.
3. There are twelve disciples, not ten.
4. David slew Goliath, he didn’t kick the shit outta him.
5. We do not refer to our Savior, Jesus Christ and his disciples as J.C. and the boys.
6. Next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s not a Peter pulling contest at Taffy’s
7. We do not refer to the cross as the big t.
8. The Father, The Son, and The Holy Ghost are not known as Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
9. Last but not least, it’s the Virgin Mary, not the Mary with the Cherry.”