The Crude Pianist.

A pianist scored an interview at a local restaurant. He is sent to the manager and is asked to play a few songs from memory.

The pianist says – “this is one of my favourites. It’s called ‘I Was Fucking Your Dog But It Bit My Penis So Now My Balls Hurt’”.

The manager, appalled, says – “how dare you suggest such a title, this is a prestigious restaurant and I won’t hav-“.

“No believe me sir, you will adore this one”. The pianist went on to play the most energetic and whimsical jazz solo the manager had ever heard.

Obviously, the manager was stunned. “That was actually rather brilliant, do you however happen to know any quieter tracks?”.

“Yes of course, here’s one known as “I Was Batting Off to a Photo of Your Daughter But My Wife Walked In So Now She’s Divorced M-“

“Excuse me please but such things cannot be said in this restaurant, how dar-“

“No sir, believe me, it’s a fantastic track, I’m sure you and all of your patrons will love it”.

Waved on, the pianist begins to play the most beautiful, slow, and solemn ballad the manager has ever heard in his life. “That was quite something. Is there any chance you know any blues?”

Without a word the pianist started tapping away, perfect timing, perfect progressions, perfect everything. It was a stunning blues performance.

The manager, stunned almost beyond words, fathomed, “Amazing! What was that one called?”

“‘As Your Father Gave Me a Colonoscopy I Accidentally Jizzed All Over The Operating Table’”.

The manager flinched, and after a moment proposed – “You really are incredibly good, if I was to hire you could you refrain from sharing your song titles with any of our diners?”

“Absolutely”. And the pianist was hired on the spot.

A couple of months go by, and the pianist has been doing very well so far, and hasn’t opened his mouth once about his song titles, even when asked. One night, however, the pianist is playing away on a particularly busy evening, and has been bursting at the seams of his bladder since he first sat down. During a quick one minute speech from the owner, the pianist decides to take the opportunity to sprint to the bathroom and relieve himself. Halfway through his toilet visit, he hears his boss from the bar – “where’s that fucking pianist?”

Without properly preparing himself, the pianist runs out of the bathroom, cock out and all, and sits back down and starts playing away. After his next song concluded, one of the patrons walks over and asks – “Do you know your cock is hanging out and dripping piss all over the floor?”.

The pianist replies – “Know it? I wrote it!”

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