[NSFW] [LONG] A soldier returns home from Iraq…

Greeted by his wife, he hugs her tight, and she’s ready to jump his bones. He stops her however, and tells her, “Baby, while I was away, I want you to know, I didn’t stray in thought or body. I spent every waking moment thinking of you, and in that process, I developed a new trick.” This certainly has the wife’s curiosity, and so she asks to see this so-called trick.

The soldier stands up, and drops trow, exposing himself before his wife. Looking down, he says boldly, “ATTEN-TION!” and immediately his little soldier springs to life, standing firm. “At-ease”, he commands, and suddenly, the little soldier slumbers limply.

After doing this several more times, the wife is mighty impressed, even amused by this trick, and asks to show the new neighbor who has moved in next door. The soldier, rather proud of himself and willing to show off, doesn’t protest.

The wife rings their neighbor, telling him her husband has come home and wanting to show off his new skills he learned in the military. Not but a few moments later, there’s a knock on the door and the wife, having answered, brings into the room where the soldier is standing exposed, the most outrageously gorgeous woman he has ever seen.

The wife prompts her husband to begin, and so he does. “ATTEN-TION!” Unsurprisingly, the little soldier snaps to life once again, as it did before. “At-ease”, he says, but nothing happens. “AT. EASE!” He states, louder this time, but still, the little soldier does not budge from his post. The solider leans down as close to his pecker as he can and angrily whispers, “If you don’t do as you are told, so help me.. AT. EASE!!” But still, nothing, the little soldier is firm and upright.

The husband is now beside himself, looking a fool in front of his wife and their neighbor, and pulls his pants off, scampering to the bathroom in embarrassment. The wife and neighbor are doubled over in laughter, having basically watched someone shout at their junk.

But some time passes since the husband’s departure and the wife has grown concerned. Excusing herself, she leaves the neighbor behind in the living room and seeks out her husband. She hears a ruckus in the bathroom and opening the door, finds her husband beating off. She exclaims “What the hell are you doing?!” to which the soldier replies,

“The little shit wasn’t taking orders, so I’m giving him a dishonorable discharge!”

submitted by /u/NoxChamerberlin
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