I wrote 400 jokes this month as a way to combat the sadness I was feeling not being able to do regular stand up. These are 139 of my favorite.

My names Sam Miller, I’m a comedian from Olympia Washington. I was really sad when this started, I love stand up so much, I didn’t do anything for the 1st 2 weeks outside of trying to be a good Dad/Husband. I decided one week to write 100 jokes and then tell them on Facebook Live to benefit a local charity. I did the same thing the next 3 weeks. We wound up raising over $3000. I’m trying to edit this list down to 100 by Saturday but most of these joke I really like or other folks have told me they liked. If you have the time by all means let me know, What are some of your favorites? What should I cut?

  1. I hate sweating, which is weird, cause it’s salty.
  2. I got expelled from the 8th grade so my mom made me go to a catholic school and they didn’t teach us about sex. So now everytime I fuck it’s just like a really cool field trip.
  3. If turtles are scared they hide in their shell. Which is why it hurts so bad when someone throws a turtle at you.
  4. R.E.M. is Pearl Jam for very tired people.
  5. This quarantine would be a lot easier to handle if I knew how to spell it.
  6. This corona virus shit isn’t going well for me,I yawned at Safeway yesterday and accidently swallowed my mask.
  7. This pandemic has given me a lot of time to get to know my kids better……..or worse.
  8. I do not have the balls to get another vasectomy
  9. Wrists are just shoulders for your hand.
  10. Nothing is more dangerous than a chilly arsonist
  11. Someday my kids will get older and leave the house and I’ll have plenty of time to try to figure out why the fuck I did that.
  12. Whenever I make spagetti I eat one of the noodles raw just to let it know I’m not fucking around
  13. Did you know that if you lined up 477,800 things that are 1 mile long you could get to the moon and back?
  14. I learned how to work hard as a teenager, jerking off to scrambled porn
  15. I can’t afford lobster but I can afford a pretty big shrimp
  16. Anal beads make for a shitty necklace
  17. I wear a lot of baggy shirts. Like they’re not baggy on me but if you wore them they would be baggy.
  18. Mid air collisions are very rare, and I’ve never even heard of a low or a high air collision
  19. I wonder if back in prehistoric times if a caveman ever had the idea for like a helicopter. But all he had was a stick. So he had to let it go.
  20. Getting fired is a lot like getting broken up with, especially if you’re dating your boss.
  21. I’m losing my hair the same way trees lose their leaves except my hair is not gonna be back in the spring.
  22. It’s easier to get a job with unemployment right now then it is to file for it.
  23. If you ever get really lost in a corn maze just build a house and become a corn farmer
  24. Nobody can get haircuts during the lockdown, I prepared for this by going fucking bald.
  25. Slip and slides are really scary if you don’t know they are there
  26. Soups can only be so delicious because if they’re to delicious they become gravy.
  27. Jeff Bezos is just Lex Luther without principles
  28. I think Olympic runners would go even faster if they had to poop really bad.
  29. It’s weird how no cheetos are exactly the same, However when I eat a whole bag I feel the same
  30. I thought my vasectomy was sorta fun. Like skydiving but just with my dick
  31. If I had a dollar for everytime I got high I would have enough money to get really really really high
  32. When I was in high School they showed us a video about the vietnam war and you could see someone smoking pot out of a shotgun. I was like damn, I really want to go to Vietnam.
  33. If I was god I’d give everyone free wifi and maybe do a little less cancer too
  34. I’ve been down a few sewer pipes and I gotta say Mario is full of shit man.
  35. I’m not supposed to touch my face and it’s really hard because I’m pretty sure there’s spiders on me
  36. The streets are rough……….. cause concrete
  37. Do secret service agents have to jump in front of coughs right now?
  38. Traffic has been so good I can get to all the closed places so fast.
  39. The beauty product I use the most is bark.
  40. The Coronavirus is like jail but my kids are my cellmates.
  41. Eggs are delicious, So is chicken, Now that’s consistency.
  42. Warren Buffett says the economy is going to recover, of course it is, if you’re Warren Fucking Buffet.
  43. I would be down to try a comedy show at a Drive in but I’m worried people will roll their windows up
  44. A real Spiderman would shoot webs out of his butt, as nature intended.
  45. Sunsets are like truck nuts for god
  46. Jeopardy is a game I’m not good at, I mean, What is a game I’m not good at. SHIT! See what I mean.
  47. My impression of a strict gardener “Do you know what time it is? You’re a daylily dammit!”
  48. The best way to get out of jury duty is to be the defendant
  49. As water becomes more and more scarce, we’ll have to transition to “moist t-shirt contests.
  50. People who think the stock market can be risky have never tried to rob a drug dealer.
  51. Every plate is a disposable plate if you’re rich
  52. Because of Covid some bars are offering beer to go, but what about the folks who go to the bar to get coke?
  53. Gender reveal parties are stupid, tell me if the kid on purpose!
  54. Maybe if we stopped calling them murder hornets they would chill the fuck out.
  55. Those hot dog cookers at 7-11 make hot dogs look so good. I think the way they roll back and forth triggers some kind of predator shit in me, like I don’t want them to get away.
  56. People are exaggerating this whole murder Hornets thing, they’re manslaughter hornets at best
  57. The hardest part of being from Texas is pretending you don’t like Alanis Morissette.
  58. If you like avocados don’t go to jail! They don’t have those there
  59. I’m very earth conscious, I don’t like to waste anything. That’s why whenever I’m done painting I take what’s left and huff it.
  60. You think Fionna Apple is good, you should hear her sister Jackie Pear!
  61. I put bread into the toaster and then get distracted with other shit. When it pops up I’m always like “Ohhhh toast! That sounds good!”
  62. I think Coranavirus waited until we were stupid enough to attack. Like it saw people eating tide pods and was like now’s My chance.
  63. The bible…….. I can take it or leviticus
  64. The worst part of being a sheeple is when the farmer pins me to the ground and cuts off my wool
  65. This pandemic is not like jail, nobody ever blamed being in Jail on 5G
  66. I’m thinking about getting a job at the unemployment office just so I can process my own claim
  67. I was a crappy drug dealer. My only customer was myself and I never had any money.
  68. Before you get a vasectomy play paper rock scissors with your doctor. If he picks rock get a different doctor
  69. Helicopters are just box fans that have really forgotten their roots.
  70. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I went back in time and never did drugs and went to a good college and got a job and I think, “Jesus I’d still be fucking stuck in my house right now.”
  71. I FEEL essential.
  72. I’m looking forward to losing my memory because my life has not been that good.
  73. You can only see the tip of the iceberg but take it from me, it’s just more fucking iceberg under there.
  74. I love eating donut holes…….. Oops I mean Donuts whole
  75. I bet regular Hornets really feel like some sorry ass bitches right about now
  76. People hate wearing condoms and they hate wearing masks which makes sense because condoms are basically dick masks
  77. This lockdown is a great time to either catch up on projects you might have forgotten about or Forget about projects that you really don’t want to do.
  78. Sometimes my kid gets a bloody nose from picking it too much. THAT’S HOW MUCH HE LOVES BOOGERS.
  79. I’m pretty sure I can do the splits. Once.
  80. Boring people are commonly referred to as wet noodles. As opposed to me! A very dry and hard noodle.
  81. Sometimes people pull up their carpets and find beautiful wood floors. Then they pull up their wood floors and find dirt. And they’re like “Shit, I got carried away.”
  82. One time I sneezed so hard I farted. Nobody could hear it because of the sneeze. And I thought “sometimes things work out”. Then I realized I shit my pants.
  83. I don’t wear a lot of risque clothes, I learned my lesson with “my angry spider speedo”
  84. My wife is the pringle of my eye. Sorry but apples are not my thing.
  85. If my kids have taught me anything it’s that you do not HAVE to wipe your butt
  86. I was so sad when the Sonics left. That’s what Coronavirus feels like, it’s like the sonics left again and this time they took everything with them
  87. Any hole can be a glory hole if you put the work in to get there
  88. The best part of having kids is when they tell you they love you, also when they stop telling you shit for like 10 seconds, that’s amazing
  89. I know some weird people. For instance my friend Gary was born with a hat.
  90. Anyone who thinks fences make great neighbors have never tried to get a fence to pay for half of a new fence.
  91. You can tell me it’s impossible to milk a chicken but don’t tell me it’s not intriguing.
  92. Streams go into rivers, rivers go into seas, seas go into oceans, I go into 7-11.
  93. I thought about getting a pair of airpods but I’m worried I might swallow one.
  94. When I was locked up some of the biggest assholes were in for minor shit, and some of the nicest dudes were on trial for murder. It’s like they were trying to prove to us they didn’t do it. “That guy that just gave me a cup a noodle isn’t a murderer!”
  95. Sometimes I wish people were still eating tide pods because that was super easy to write jokes about.
  96. Marriages are all about sharing……. or getting to stuff before your wife does.
  97. Whenever someone is like 2020 is the worst, I’m like sure it’s bad…….. but 2003 was way worse, I lived in a barn and did meth all the time
  98. Did you know pirates still have to go to work? It turns out they’re Arrrrrsential
  99. In the back of my head I always had a small hope that the cops that were arresting me were strippers. Like is someone surprising me?
  100. There’s a lot of High school seniors that couldn’t graduate this year. Welcome to the party.
  101. I thought about being a proctologist but my high school guidance counselor said my fingers were too big.
  102. My kids wanted to help so they made a ventilator out of legos. We’ve lost like 6 patients but they’re really trying.
  103. My stimulus package looks small but that just because it’s cold out.
  104. Some people are really into feet……. They’re called podiatrists.
  105. The best part of arguing with strangers online with people is when they’re like “Oh wow, that’s a great point, never looked at it that way, I guess I was wrong.” It hasn’t ever happened but that would be the best part.
  106. I’m scared of dying, I’m also scared of almost dying. In fact almost dying seems worse cause that could happen a bunch
  107. Ostriches are big and strong enough to kill a human being so I need to be big enough to walk away when they make fun of me.
  108. If a bug flys into my mouth and its smaller than a sesame seed I just eat it
  109. Did you know that before Cop cars had Sirens the cops just stuck their heads out the window and made their own siren noise. That’s why it sorta sounds like a squeal.
  110. I used to love my sunroof but then I realized that’s how all the acorns were getting in!
  111. Dish Network sounds like a secret old lady casserole club.
  112. Life would be so much simpler if everyone stopped loving genitals.
  113. The only thing kangaroos put in their pouches is their babies so if you’re with a kangaroo you’re gonna have to carry your own shit.
  114. I can’t fit my whole body in a bathtub I just have to pick the parts I most want underwater.
  115. I used to pause and think sometimes when I was in high school and be like, “am I too delinquent?”
  116. I loved getting out of jail so much that I kept going in again.
  117. I hate being accused of shit, when I know I did it
  118. My kid just said “I’m so tired of people judging me for how I act! It’s not fair!” Like how should we judge you?
  119. They say don’t look a mountain lion in the eyes, but I don’t want to look at its dick either. And let’s face it it’s one or the other
  120. Has anyone checked if their broom can still stand up on its own or did Coronavirus take that too!
  121. It’s a real dick move buying a teeter totter for an only child.
  122. I weigh the same as my area code. Now that’s hometown pride! 360!
  123. Anyone who complains about traffic circles has never tried to navigate a traffic triangle.
  124. I think if you propose on a jumbotron you should also get divorced on a jumbotron
  125. The real lazy rivers are lakes.
  126. I don’t know if the Spanish Flu is better or worse than Covid 19 but it definitely sounds more attractive.
  127. I used to go to Subway and take notes while they made my sandwiches. Now I know how to make my own sandwiches! Take that!
  128. I can be really charming but only if you’re depressed
  129. Introverts are really thriving during quarantine but eventually they’ll go back to being sad weirdos.
  130. I thought I was having a hard time sleeping cause my bed was lumpy but it turns out it was me.
  131. Do you ever get carried away when you’re washing your hands? Like oh shit, I’m in the shower now.
  132. You ever fart so hard in your car that the windows just go down automatically
  133. I told my kids since we don’t have a Chimney Santa just comes in like a SWAT team
  134. The only reason I’d ever wanna be skinny was if there was something delicious at the other end of a small diameter pipe.
  135. My mom asked if she should call my deceased father Bob or Dad. I said I really don’t think it matters.
  136. “God dammit Sam that’s mayonnaise not Vanilla!” and that was my last day at the cake shop.
  137. People ask me. “Hey Sam do you like really small things?” I say “Not Particularly.”
  138. I’m gonna start a store where people donate old scarves and then we sell the yarn back to people. We’ll call it “Knit Pickers”
  139. The same people that blame me for not staying on task are usually the same people that ask me to do boring shit.

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