Dave dies and goes to Hell…

He’s sitting there on a lump of burning sulfur, bemoaning his fate, when a demon walks up.

“Hey, pal, why so grumpy?” says the demon.

“Oh, you’re a real funny guy. I’m dead. I’m in Hell. What’s to be happy about?”

“Oh, I get it, you just got here. Look, I know Hell has gotten a lot of bad press, but consider the source! It’s not so bad; we actually have a lot of fun here.”

“Oh, yeah? Like what?”

“Do you smoke?”

“You mean other than currently being on fire? I used to.”

“Well, you’re gonna love Mondays! Every Monday, we head off to the lounge, put on our smoking jackets, and smoke all day long! We got hookahs, pipes, cigarettes of every blend, cigars–even Cubans, you know Castro and the Big Guy are tight–anything you want. And the best part is, there’s no consequences. You can’t get COPD, or lung cancer, or emphysema; you’re already dead!”

“Hmm. Well, that’s something, at least.”

“Oh, I’m just getting started! Do you drink?”

“Yeah, I put away my share of sauce.”

“You’re gonna love Tuesdays. Every Tuesday, we hit the bar and get absolutely polluted. We’ve got everything! Beer, Scotch, Tequila, Gin, the finest wines, Everclear, even the original Absinthe from before they banned it. And once again, no consequences! You won’t puke, you won’t get alcohol poisoning…you won’t even get a hangover! You’re dead!”

“Hey, that’s pretty cool!”

“Do you do drugs?”

“I smoked a little weed now and then.”

“You’re gonna love Wednesdays! Wednesday’s Doper Day!! We’ve got whatever you could want! Weed, hash, acid, shrooms, coke, smack! We’ve got uppers, downers, sideways-ers….we have stuff that hasn’t even been invented on Earth yet!! And once again, no consequences! You can’t go crazy, you can’t overdose…you’re dead!”

“Dude! If I’d known Hell was this much fun, I’d have come here years ago!! What happens on Thursdays?”

“Do you like sex?”

“Well, DUH.”

“Are you gay or straight?”

“I’m straight.”

“Ooh…yeah…well, you’re not going to enjoy Thursdays at all.”