An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman are trekking through the jungle together. they’re hacking down trees, killing leopards, and generally doing manly things.
All of a sudden, they are confronted by a group of natives, who grab the trio and drag them to their little village and tie them to stakes, all the while shouting in their own language.
Eventually, a wizened, bent, ancient old white man comes out of one of the little mud huts. He approaches the trio and explains that a very long time ago, he was taken hostage by the tribe, but allowed to live as the sole survivor from a group of explorers. He learned their language and served as a translator for any white men foolish enough to cross them.
He explained that unfortunately, the men had accidentally walked over what the natives considered sacred ground; this was punishable by death. The method of death, was to be skinned alive and turned into a canoe.
However, the old man says, the tribe are a kind and generous people, who will give the condemned one final wish, that they are honour bound to fulfil.
The Englishman, ever brave, elects to die first. He asks that his final wish, as a red-blooded man, is to have one final night of wild passion with the most beautiful woman in the village.
The old man translates and the chief of the tribe goes away, and comes back with a very big, very ugly, very hairy woman. Clearly they had different standards of beauty. But, nonetheless, the Englishman is happy to go off with her and have one final night of passion. In the morning, he is skinned alive and turned into a canoe.
The Scotsman decides to go next. His wish is to get so blindly drunk he won’t even know that he’s being skinned. So the chief gives him a small cup of firewater. The Scotsman drinks it and is immediately horrendously drunk. He stumbles about the village, singing, dancing, and generally causing mischief until morning comes, when he is skinned alive and turned into a canoe.
And finally, it’s the Irishman’s turn. When asked what his final wish is, he asks for a fork. The old man is confused, and asks again. The Irishman insists he just wants a plain old metal fork. So the old man translates and the chief brings him a fork. The Irishman is untied, and he stands in front of them for a moment, before wildly stabbing himself all over his body, screaming;
“YOU’RE NOT GOING TO TURN ME INTO A FUCKING CANOE!”