A woman dies on her wedding day

George and Martha had dated all through high school and were deeply in love. Martha knew that George was “the one”, but she wanted to save herself for marriage. After they graduated high school the big wedding day arrived. After the ceremony they left the church and were driving to the airport for their honeymoon in Paris when the car hit an icy patch and slammed into a tree.

Martha awoke in a beautiful hotel suite with a well-dressed young man standing at the foot of her bed. She began to panic, but the young man spoke. “Please be calm, Martha. I have terrible and wonderful news. The terrible news is that you were killed in an automobile accident. The wonderful news is that you were such a perfect Christian, you are now in heaven reliving your perfect day. By the way, I’m Jesus Christ, and I’ll be your hotel concierge for eternity.”

He walked to the window and pulled the shade, revealing a stunning view of the Paris skyline. The Eiffel Tower dominated the view from the window. “Every day you will celebrate your honeymoon. The entire city of Paris is open to your every whim.”

“That’s wonderful,” Martha replied, “but what about George? It wouldn’t be the same without him here.”

“George survived the accident, so he’s still on Earth. Of course he’s grieving for you terribly, but he’s scheduled to have a long and healthy life. When he passes you’ll be able to spend eternity with each other. Oh, and don’t worry, he will remain loyal to you to his dying day.”

“Well, Heaven won’t be perfect without him,” Martha thought, “but at least I’ll be able to pass my days in paradise. And when he does die, we’ll be able to spend eternity together.”

Days turned to months, and months turned into years. Martha explored every nook and cranny of this Paradise Paris. The people were friendly, everybody wore berets, and baguettes and fine wine were available on every corner. She knew this wasn’t what Paris was really like, but she assumed that since this was her ideal version, it would be as she wanted it to be.

After a few months she started noticing hairs on the pillow next to her when she would awaken. Each day there were more and more hairs. Curious, she hit the call button on her phone and Jesus walked in the door. “What seems to be the matter, Mrs. Wilson?”

“Nothing’s the matter, really; I’m just curious about something.” She indicated the hairs on the pillow of her bed.

“Oh yes, Mrs. Wilson,” Jesus said. “You see, your husband is suffering from premature baldness. The hair you are seeing is the part of him that is no longer alive, and it is showing up in heaven. When he arrives the hair will be back on his head, and he’ll have the luxurious mane you remembered him for.”

Martha thought about George losing his hair and hoped that it wouldn’t adversely affect him in life. She closed her eyes and uttered a silent prayer that his friends and business associates would not look down on him due to the loss of his locks.

Jesus (because he was Jesus) heard her silent prayer. He put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “I assure you, Mrs. Wilson, that George will not only suffer no negative effects from his hair loss, but he’ll appear quite distinguished. If anything, this will help him in life. If you would like, I can take the hair away and put it in storage until the Big Day.”

“No, that’s all right,” Martha stated. “Just leave it in a dish by the bedside so that when I feel lonely I can run my hands through his hair.”

Several more months passed. One day Martha awoke to feel something under the covers at the foot of the bed. She pulled back the sheets and was astonished to find two human toes laying there. She screamed.

Jesus rushed through the door. “What seems to be the problem, Mrs. Wilson?”

“There are two toes in my bed!”

“Oh yes, Mrs. Wilson. My apologies, I should have mentioned this before. Last night, George’s car broke down in the middle of the woods and he was forced to hike for several miles in the snow before he was found. As a result he contracted frostbite in the two small toes of his left foot. I assure you, however, that he’s expected to make a full recovery.”

Martha closed her eyes and uttered a silent prayer that George would not suffer unduly.

Jesus (because he was Jesus) heard her silent prayer. He put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “I assure you, Mrs. Wilson, that George will be perfectly fine. He will have to walk with a cane, but there are no other negative effects. Also I should mention that every day he pines for you, and he has remained constant and loyal all these years. If you would like, I can take these toes away and put them in storage until the Big Day.”

Martha agreed, and Jesus brushed the toes into his hand and stepped out of the door.

Years passed. One day Martha awoke and noticed that there was a giant mound under the blankets next to her. She pulled back the sheets and was aghast to discover a human pelvis laying in the bed. She screamed.

Jesus rushed through the door. “What seems to be the problem, Mrs. Wilson?”

“There’s a… pelvis in my bed!”

“Oh yes, Mrs. Wilson. I’m sorry to inform you that your dear George was taking a shower yesterday when he slipped and fell, shattering his pelvis. However he’s been fitted with a prosthetic hip and is expected to make a full recovery, and still has several long productive years on earth. And every day he pines for you.”

Martha closed her eyes and uttered a silent prayer. Jesus (because he was Jesus) heard the prayer.

“Penis cancer. Penis cancer. Penis cancer.”

[NOTE: I don’t know if it’s funny but at least it’s original. I came up with it in the shower this morning.]

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