They’re very tired, and they decide to take a shortcut across a nearby river to quickly reach their camp.
As they cross the river, a tribe of savages charge out of the trees and surround them. The tribe Chief steps forward and says
“This river sacred ground… you trespass on sacred ground! Now, as punishment, you DIE.”
The Chief goes on to explain that after they kill them, the tribe will use their skin to make canoes. They will then sail these canoes on the river as a warning to future trespassers.
However, (as he is a kind leader) the Chief decides that although the three men must die, they may choose how they die and even do it themselves if they wish. The three men agree, and the Englishman goes first
“I would like a gun, please”
The Chief hands him a gun. The Englishman thanks him, shouts “GOD SAVE THE QUEEN!” and blows his own brains out. The tribe drag his corpse away to turn into a canoe. The Frenchman goes next
“I would like some poison, si vous plait”
The Chief hands him some poison. The Frenchman thanks him, shouts “VIVA LA FRANCE!” and drinks it. He instantly dies, and the tribe drag his corpse away to turn into a canoe. Finally, it’s the Scotsman’s turn
“I want a fork”
The Chief is very confused, but nevertheless hands him a fork. The Scotsman thanks the Chief, before beginning to frantically stab himself all over his body. His arms, legs, face, chest, back, anywhere he can reach. After a good thirty seconds, he finally drops the fork, blood now gushing from the hundreds of tiny holes across his body.
“There goes yer canoe ya fat c*nt”