He trepidatiously follows the crowd towards the Gates of Hell. He finds a demon holding a piece of cardboard with his name on it.
“Craig?,” asks the demon as the man approaches.
“Y… yes,” answers Craig, unsure of how to handle the situation.
“Hi. I’m Ed. I know what you’re thinking, man,” says the demon in a friendly tone as he shakes Craig’s hand. “But it’s not that bad down here. I’ve been sent by Big Red, as we like to call him, to give you the basic rundown.”
“Um… OK,” answers Craig with a confused expression. He begins walking into Hell with Ed, his new, personal demon.
“For example… Do you like drinking, Craig?,” asks Ed, smiling a bit.
“Of course,” answers Craig.
“Well, you’re gonna love Mondays, man!,” says Ed enthusiastically. “On Mondays, we get the best tequilas, single malt scotches, Cuban rums, bourbons,… you name it. We drink until we’re absolutely shit-faced, and you don’t have to worry about puking or alcohol poisoning or hangovers or anything because you’re dead!”
Craig’s face shows a glimmer of hope.
“How ’bout tobacco?,” asks Ed.
“Sure. That’s actually why I’m here,” answers Craig, his demeanor changing from fear to interest.
“Well, you’re gonna love Tuesdays! On Tuesdays we get the finest Turkish cigarettes and Cuban cigars up in here and smoke our friggin’ lungs out. And of course, you’ll never have to worry about lung cancer or emphysema again.”
“Nice,” replies Craig.
Ed keeps going. “How ’bout drugs?,” he asks. “On Wednesdays we have the purest snow, the dankest weed, and the craziest party drugs. Not to mention opiates, amphetamines, and just about anything you can imagine. And of course, you can’t possibly overdose.”
“This place doesn’t sound so bad,” says Craig cheerily. “Y’all got a bad rep up on Earth, but I honestly don’t get it.”
“I told ya! And Thursdays are fucking spectacular. Do you like women? Of course you do,” exclaims Ed excitedly. “On Thursdays we bring in the most beautiful, sexy, exotic Playboy Bunnies, Suicide Girls, and porn actresses. You can have endless unprotected sex with all of them and you don’t have to worry about pregnancy or STDs or anything, ’cause you’re dead!”
By this point, Craig is brimming with excitement. “Holy shit,” he says. “Hell is fantastic!”
“I know, right!?”, yells Ed. “Are you gay?”
Craig looks puzzled and says, “Er… No.”
Ed suddenly produces an unexpected, evil smile and says, “Ooooh. Man, you’re gonna hate Fridays.”