He stands up, wobbles a bit, and proceeds to throw up all over the front of his shirt. He looks down and bursts into tears.
The bartender walks up and says, “Hey bud, what’s wrong?”
Between sobs, the drunk says, “My life is over. I told my wife I would quit drinking, and just look. She’s gonna leave me. I’ve ruined everything.”
The Bartender tells him “Don’t worry. Here’s what you do: take a $20 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell your wife you saw a buddy who was drunk and you helped him home, and in the process he gurved up all over your shirt. Felt so bad he gave you money to get it dry cleaned. Just that easy!”
The drunk agrees, sticks the money in his shirt and stumbles home. Sure enough, at home his wife is waiting in the doorway, positively fuming. “Where the hell have you been?! Have you been drinking again?! What did I say?!”
“Honey, honey, calm down. I helped a buddy who was drunk home and he chundered all over me. But look – he gave me $20 to get my clothes cleaned.”
She reaches in his shirt pocket – “There’s $40 dollars here, though.”
“That’s because he also shit in my pants.”